Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate in November. Thanksgiving is a day of happiness for some – namely our older family members. My family likes to do that whole thing where 30 of us sit in a circle and share what we’re thankful for. The moment is one I dread. How the hell do I come up with something even remotely gratitude-adjacent when I feel like life simply sucks? It’s a challenge, to be sure. But that moment isn’t the only one I dread. I dread having to talk about whatever it is I was doing over the past year. I dread hearing my brother talk about all the drinks he is making at his new bar gig. I dread my mom telling the same stories over and over and OVER again. I dread the bland turkey my aunt makes, and the dried parsnips my cousin brings. After four hours of sitting with this massive group of people I’m mostly related to, I just want to curl up in a ball and let the sweet release of sleep take over. Sadly, this practice is frowned upon during the holidays. Instead, the most respite I get happens when I’m safely scrolling on the porcelain throne – until someone inevitably tries to barge in. If you’re looking for mental asylum, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve put together another fresh batch of Twitter gems that we think will do the trick, if just for five minutes. You’re welcome.